Tossing turning thinking
revision remind rethink rewind reword
and reword
and rework
and swallow and don’t forget to breathe.
Don’t forget to breathe
don’t forget to breathe.
Watch your breathing
and don’t let it spiral
and don’t puff your breathing.
Focus on your heart go 123456789
123456789.
89
789
5689
679.
and one again
it always goes back to one
and square one
base one to homerun
I am ruled by the one.
Number one and
number one and
number one no wait…
two
two (?)
two is for searching for wishing and lurking
never getting it right.
two is is is the absolute worst
I Hate two.
two is too long .. it runs & it bleeds & it bleeds and it bleeds out.
two is the cause of my fear
of all thoughts
of that dreaded second place
and second tier
and a benched life I have created for myself.
and now
three.
three seems redundant
three because two wasn’t enough.
three to satisfy
three to be silenced
and three to hide
to hide behind.
three so there can be someone to shine
three to have a winner
and three so I can lose.
Four is the ‘All American Family’
four takes the focus off me.
it puts it all on him
Four is for splitting
dividing and quitting
and breaking up
Four was the fan favorite and the only thing to ever be exploited.
Four was a perfect storm.
Four for remembering I never really had the attention on me.
Four because I always wanted the attention on me and attracted negative attention when it didn’t happen.
234
34
34
fi-
I need FIVE
five is the perfect half point and the place it all makes sense again
234 fi- 789
fi- 6789
1234 fi- 789
789
789
Four nervous breaths
and three rushed pants
and two distressed parents
one long night
and still no five.
FIVE 678
23456789
8989
89
89
89.
TEN
racing chasing
feet pacing
hearts beating
And 10
ten again
Ten fingers reaching up towards my ceiling and clenching down against my throat.
Ten white lies rushing into my ears
ten salted tears streaming down my face
not symmetrically though
7 on my left
2 on my right
and one left again
Wrong.
Just be even.
Why doesn’t mom understand
If my tears couldn’t be even how could I expect anything out of my life.
Even I didn’t really understand that.
234567
765432
2 7 2 7 2 7
I just understood that I was on a spectrum
I was a two
And I HATE two.
123
123
1234
678910
And finally ~five.
swallow and don’t forget to breathe
Don’t forget to breathe
don’t forget to breathe
Watch your breathing
And try to stop the spiral
dont scare your ch