“The only reason we don’t fly away is because of martian physics. You see, every planet has their own physics which the people come up with. So for our planet’s physics, we made it so nothing bad will ever happen.”
Hey, my name is #45. Yes, I am the 45th person that was ever born. Our species lives for a very long time but we are not very social and we don’t form friends that often. We are called the #’s. Today is a very special day. We are invading Earth. It’s going to be a lot of fun. Since I am super smart, I just recently developed a new type of explosive which can blow up the Earth in 3 hits. It’s awesome! I recently just tested it on Mercury. It only took one hit. All those Earthians are gonna have to surrender soon, if they value their planet.
The funny thing is that Earthians don’t know we exist. They think Mars is a small red rock with nothing on it. In fact, that is partially true. Mars used to be uncolonized but then our species invaded it. And now we live there. See, explosive + fuse = boom = win. Or that’s what we think. Our species has over 1,000,000,000 planets to its name. We love invading people. That’s our natural instinct. I wonder how many planets Earth has invaded.
Wow, when is the ceremony gonna start! I’ve been waiting 56,798,134 seconds. This is almost two years in Earth days, but it is only five martian hours.
Ah yes, finally the moment has come. The ceremony. This ceremony is fairly simple. We don’t use nearly as many explosives as we use for the other events. This is awful for the common martian because we get paid to buy explosives. But anyway, here we go. We start by dancing around the fire while throwing in little hand grenades, next we play a game of tag. Who ever the explosives blows up is out. Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt, and besides, you get brought back to life. It is actually very enjoyable. I blew up 3 times during the invasion of Mercury. After we throw little hand grenades, we get martian c4 and throw it in the air for the black hole to suck up. Next, we all get in a cannon and rocket to the Earth and back. This is what humans call the aurora borealis. Now for the final step: We have an eating contest. Whoever eats the most rockets without blowing up wins! I have won three times in my entire career.
Oh! Have I mentioned roast e…the best food, here on mars. It is a delicacy. It tastes like steak. It is my favorite food, and my pet c4’s food, and my rocket launcher’s food. Everyone loves it. Soon I will have to start construction on the mega rocket launcher that will launch the new explosive. The only thing I will eat is roast dynamite because it is very healthy, gives you energy and tastes good. It is much better than, say, a martian carrot, which is basically fireworks growing on the ground.
Finally, construction time! The construction building is made up of all types of explosives but it is mostly made up of something called cement explosive. This is cement mixed with explosive powder since cement and explosives are very easy to obtain. It has very safe working conditions as you are around explosives all the time. The mega rocket launcher that I am making is going to be made of crushed explosive rockets. It has a safety switch, too. When you press it, it coats the rocket launcher in gasoline and ignites it. Usually you blow up, and that’s why we have a blow-up proof suit which is made out liquid blackpowder. Something that us, Martians invented, but the Earthians stole it in a powdered form. If you would like to know about this blow-up proof suit you can check the Martian Wiki. It is very reliable… Or is it? … I can just tell you now. The blow up proof suit starts with a shell made out of hardened c4. We drop the c4 in water and then dry it off in a mold made out of dynamite. Sometimes it is very hard to remove the suit from the mold, because it has a very high chance of blowing up. If all works to plan, then we can start chiseling the inside of the c4 so now it is hollow and is a shell. Next we pour in liquid black powder to make the suit more flexible and so we can have a strong inside.
Once we are done with a suit, we put it through a stress test. We make sure that it blows up in even the highest humidity. Oh, did I mention our atmosphere? The martian atmosphere is very dry which makes everything flammable. Which is super duper amazingly good.
Okay, now back to work on the missile. For the inside of the missile i’m going to use martian potato. This is a highly explosive vegetable that we all love. Too bad it’s going to waste.
Back to the missile…
Around the crushed potato, we have a mysterious paste. One drop of it blew up Mercury, so now we are going to use fifteen drops mixed with gasoline. Also, you aren’t supposed to know this but when I launch the missile I am going to dump a bucket of mysterious paste on it. So when Earth blows up, lots of mysterious paste will fly to the Sun and the Sun will cough and cough. When it’s done coughing, it will sneeze and all the planets will be sent away except for ours. The only reason we don’t fly away is because of martian physics. You see, every planet has their own physics which the people come up with. So for our planet’s physics, we made it so nothing bad will ever happen. Many people thought that this was unfair to other planets, and there were many riots and rebellions with explosive watermelons and carrots. Funny thing is, all of these fruits were stolen from the planets that were the cause of the rioting!
Here are how the riots go:
Someone walks up to a police officer and says “You better watch out, because a riot is starting in ten seconds.”
Police martian: “Oh really?”
Person: “I’m not kidding.”
Ten seconds later…
Police officer: “AH, explosive flying carrots and watermelons everywhere!”
Riot people: “We don’t care.”
Police officer: “Hey, stop that…”
Riot people:” Why?”
Police officer: “Because we are going to invade earth and you are wasting explosives, those could have gone toward the building of the the missile.”
Well, at least, the missile is going well. I have finished the outer coating. It is made of pure gasoline mixed with black powder, and fireworks too. The missile is built just like a firework. We are going to put in sparklers, too.
A few hundred years pass…
Well, now everything is assembled. The missile is ready and we are ready to launch. I think I’m going to take a good few years rest now. I have to start working on it again in 87 years so I better start sleeping.
Hmm… What if we use a black hole instead? We could first blow up the Earth, and then we could suck their planet into a black hole. The people may like that better. Hmm… I wonder.
Ah, that was a terrible three years rest and dream, I did not sleep well at all and I did not get a good night’s sleep. Wai wai wait waaa… I am talking in that stupid Earth talk again. Martians never get tired, I shouldn’t even be sleeping. Come on. I should be working.
“#45! WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING? MARTIANS DON’T SLEEP. YOU ARE FIRED!” said the boss.
“But why? I didn’t do anything wrong?”
“YOU WERE SLEEPING ON DUTY. MARTIANS DON’T SLEEP!”
“Sorry, I was bored and wanted to see what an Earthling does when it’s bored.”
“WELL, YOU ARE FIRED!”
“Ok, I’m going to Earth. BYE!”
“FINE, sta- go, go, yeah, I meant go.”