“Arnold: Me, not landing the job? Are you serious? The only thing I have to worry about is coming up with a good stage-name. “Arnold Ricassuss” is not a greatly and widely-loved name. Probably. Just guessing. I know! James Hardy! That’s so cool.”
Any word(s) in italics is (are) for emphasis, while any word(s) in bold is (are) louder.
Arnold, the main character
Arthur, his brother
Bob, the father
Sara, the mother
The actors (Eric and Steve)
Act 1 (In the kids’ room, after lunch. The beds are messy, and who-knows-what is on the floor. Arnold and Arthur are sitting on their beds, watching TV and arguing. The father comes in, and the mother comes in later, too).
Bob: What on earth are you watching, Arthur?
Arthur: I don’t know, some stupid show that little Arnold is watching. Probably for 2-year-olds, that’s why it’s age-appropriate for him.
Arnold: First of all, we’re twins. Being 19 seconds earlier does not mean that you are much older than me. And second, this show, “A Time to Think,” is really stupid, I agree. But I want to see what these actors are doing that is so wrong.
Bob: These are the 13-year-olds I have. Sara, I need some help!
Sara: What on – wow, that really does run strong in the family. But what is going on?
Bob: Ask Arthur.
Sara: Children, stop fighting! What is this all about?
Arthur: Arnold’s making me watch a stupid show!
Arnold: I wanted to see what the actors are doing that makes them so bad. Maybe it’s their voices, or the characters, or the plot, or the –
Sara & Bob: That’s enough.
Arthur: Yeah, how ‘bout you try acting, let’s see how you fail.
Arnold (to himself): Or succeed.
Act 2 (In the kitchen, sitting at the table).
Arthur: You’re not considering letting him move, are you? You think he’s gonna be OK away from Minnesota in Hollywood, in CALIFORNIA??
Arnold: I mean, it’s hotter there.
Bob: Too hot for my liking.
Sara (crying): My sweetie-pie can’t leave!! I love him, and he’ll be sick without me!! No, no no!!
Arthur: The sweetie pie you called, “A pain everywhere?” That one? The one who always brags ‘cuz he’s “King Arnold the Great and Powerful Ruler?”
Arnold: Arthur, stop that! I mean, you’re right, but you’re better at yelling and joking around pathetically. And mom, it’ll be OK. I’ve been to sleep-away camp. For two months. In a row.
Bob: What if you don’t land the job?
Arnold: Me, not landing the job? Are you serious? The only thing I have to worry about is coming up with a good stage-name. “Arnold Ricassuss” is not a greatly and widely-loved name. Probably. Just guessing. I know! James Hardy! That’s so cool.
Arthur: You’re not a “James,” or a “Hardy.” You’re BETTER name is “Fishy Fishy Cryie the Second!” Sorry, Dad. The first.
Bob: Arnold, a little humility! Arthur, stop bullying your brother!
Sara: I can’t take it! It’s too much! I’m already crying!!!!!!!
Bob: Come on Sara, it’ll be OK. And Arnold, we haven’t even decided if you’re going yet. And Arthur, go to your room!
Arthur: You can’t just –
Act 3 (Everyone’s in the kitchen and later, they move to the garage).
Bob: We’ve arrived at a decision! Arnold, get ready to pack to California.
Arthur: And what should I do?
Sara: Stay home and watch the baby.
Arthur: The one who puked in my face? Joe?
Arnold: That’s the one.
Arthur: Shut up.
Arnold: Your wish is my command! Just kidding! HA! I’m going to Hollywood, and you’re not!!!
Arthur: That’s it! I’m coming along. You’re not the only one in the family that’s cocky.
Arnold: Well that’s obvious.
Arthur: Why you little –
Bob: Both of you can come. I know what show you should audition for!
Sara & Bob: “Ben and Jake!”
Arthur: Yeah, ‘cuz our dream is to try to get into a great show.
Arnold: And that’s JUST the one!
Arthur: We’ve heard about that. It’s as good as the show Arnold was watching yesterday. But let’s just give it a try.
Sara: There’s only one spot left. Kids from 12-14 can audition!
Arnold: I’m getting in!
Arthur: In your wildest dreams!
Arnold: Which will come true!
Sara: Get the baby. You don’t even know who or what you’re auditioning for. I’ll explain in the car.
Act 4 (In a large minivan, with the father at the wheel).
Bob: You’re auditioning for Michael, the third star, after –
Sara & Boys: “BEN AND JAKE!!!!!”
Bob: Someone feed the baby!
Arnold: That’s your cue, dear brother.
Arthur: After I get the role, you’ll be taking care of the baby! “Arnold! Go feed the baby!!!!”
Arnold: But when I crush your dreams of ever being better than me at anything, I’ll do my trademark victory dance.
Arthur: There’s a reason it’s trademarked! Or a signature move! WHATEVER.
Bob: We have three more hours! Stop bickering, and someone feed the baby!!
Act 5 (On set, with cameras and costumes).
Director: Well, hello there! My name is – confidential.
Bob: Nice to see you, confidential.
Director: Who here is auditioning for Michael?
Sara: My two munchkins, Arthur and Arnold.
Director: Well, you’re in luck. Only one other kid, Eric, is auditioning. He’s 14. How old are your little munchkins?
Arnold & Arthur: 13.
Director: My best actor, Steve, will help you feel at home.
Director: Best of luck!
Act 6 (On set. The children are sitting in seats for the audience, and the director is on stage).
Director: You 2 have surpassed Eric. But only one of you will win. Both of you are like Michael – lazy, cute, and, well, weird. Arthur, you are quirky and slightly amusing. Arnold, you like being the leader and doing everything, and you’re also funny. But you both should know that the loser is also very-
Arnold & Arthur: GET ON WITH IT!
Eric: And hey, it’s not nice to make fun of me!
Children & Director: GET LOST, ERIC!!!
Director: As I was saying, before I was RUDELY interrupted, only one will win, but both of you are winners anyway. The person playing Michael, the person who will be staying in California for 5 months each season, and we plan for there to be 13 seasons, is Mr…