It’s a fifteen hour flight to South Africa
A journey across the Earth my family embarks upon once every two years
I press my face to the glass of the coveted window seat
A place I scored after lengthy negotiations with my sister
The oval window is a portal to the rest of the world,
reminding me just how insignificant we are
Oceans and islands soar beneath us as I plug into my third movie of the day
The end of this eternal ride has left me wondering where all of the time has gone
It’s a two hour drive to Johannesburg
I have never been able to stay awake the entire duration
I don’t see the gorgeous sunset spread across the sky
A sea of ruby reds, vibrant yellows, and cotton candy pinks
I don’t see the last rays of sun slip off the rocky sidewalk
As darkness consumes the night
When I awaken thousands of stars shower the sky
Like drops of glittering rain that never reach the Earth
New York City does not have stars like these
Twenty minutes of waiting for them to text us to come over to their house
Later we play bridge in the dining room
I pretend to understand the endless rules and meticulous strategy
So that I can keep my blue folding chair around the deck table
In the kitchen I learn to bake challah with Aunt Joanne
The overwhelming scent of yeast shocks my nose with its powerful aroma
My fingers knead through the sticky, elastic dough
Even though one side is as burnt as the scorching pavement
that sits beneath the African sun
I pretend that I remembered to flip the loaves after thirty minutes in the oven
So much pretending
Pretending I don’t understand everything that is going on around me
Soon I’m running from Alphie, the ferociously persistent little dog
Secreting pearls of gleaming sweat in the malicious heat
And shivering in the icy pool that bites your toes and fingers if you overstay your welcome
All simple, All familiar
But then it’s talking in hushed voices about renowned hospitals
New surgeries
And ovarian cancer
It’s Aunt Joanne being too tired, so tired
Too tired for chemo
Too weak
Some words hold more meaning than I can even comprehend
Rocks around a volcano are hollow
Formed by scorching hot magma
Natives used to think they were just unbelievably light
Legend tells that taking one of the rocks is bad luck
The word cancer is unbelievably heavy
It is the quintessence of bad luck
This one word has the power to weigh everything down
Slowing the world to its own pace, forcing accommodations
We try our very best to avoid the heavy word
To not let it crush us like ants underfoot
One word is on the tip of everyone’s tongue yet rarely do we dare breathe a word of it
But before we know it, it’s time to say goodbye
Goodbyes seem so simple
Yet there is something so personal about them
I give my goodbyes everyday
To my friends
To my teachers
To my parents and sister
To the sun when she goes to sleep each night, urging me to do the same
Sometimes I say goodbye forever
To my friends at camp when I know that our adventures together have come to an end
To my cat when she decided to never to wake up from her nap on my parents bed
And to all those dreams I have let go of
But it never quite feels as final as it should
When one chapter of your life snaps shut
The final curtain
We allow ourselves to believe that we might keep in touch
We might revisit that plan we started
We might be able to go back to that moment in time where we let go
Now Joanne is giving me a gentle hug and telling us to have a safe flight home
I’m saying that I love her and that I hope she wins her next bridge game
I know this is goodbye forever
It doesn’t feel big enough
It doesn’t feel special enough
It doesn’t feel worthy of being the last words that are ever imparted
from her soul unto mine
But just like that and it’s over
I want to say that when she dies I am going to miss her so much
and cry until I’m all out of tears
But I can’t say that
I want to ask if she is really ever going to get better
But I can’t ask that
I want to lock myself in a room and not leave
Because it feels like I’m leaving her behind
But know I can’t do that
I want to beg her to stay strong for two more years
Until I am back to bake challah and learn the rules of bridge
But that is not fair to anyone
Before I know it, I’m driving out of the gate
Past the Acacia trees that sway in the breeze like the swings at Pierpont playground
Past the little inn where we stayed because the house is overflowed with relatives
All waiting to say their own goodbyes
My heart tries to trick itself into believing otherwise
But my mind knows the truth
I’ve said goodbye forever