Characters:
DARA – A high school girl who lives in a superficial world, but is searching for more. She has trouble truly understanding self-involved girls like Audrey. However, she knows how to “play the game” and blend in to survive the social scene.
LYLE – A boy in Dara’s homebase class. He is a bit of a loner because, like Dara, he is fed up with other people’s dishonesty and shallow values. Lyle has a direct approach to life. He is frustrated with peers who are not straightforward like him and is driven away by their social climbing, political correctness, and selfishness.
AUDREY – Dara’s best friend. She is quite the diva, but not a “valley girl.” She is shallow, gossipy, and self-absorbed. Audrey likes to boss around the less dominant, more submissive Dara to make herself feel superior without being directly mean to her friend. However, she does love to criticize and judge other people.
(We see LYLE in an Italian restaurant. He is eating lunch alone in a booth. DARA and AUDREY walk onto the sidewalk, laughing, dressed in SoulCycle brand attire.)
DARA
Oh, please!
AUDREY
No, but she so did. Hold up, my shoe’s untied.
(AUDREY bends down to tie her shoelace.)
But seriously. Why would she hook up with him? It makes no sense.
DARA
It was unexpected. I’ll give you that.
AUDREY
He literally looks like the little, green guy from that “phone home” movie.
DARA
E.T.?
AUDREY
Yeah, that’s it.
DARA
I guess she just has low self-esteem. Or maybe she’s actually into him.
AUDREY
Ew, no! Like, I love Brit, but this is an issue that needs to be addressed. If he has a beer belly at sixteen, then it’s a no-go.
DARA
Maybe his soft stomach felt like a pillow.
AUDREY
No, Dara! That’s gross!
(beat)
Oh shit. You have a tampon?
DARA
Sorry, Aud.
AUDREY
I need a bathroom asap. Like, I’m in my Lulu’s and everything.
DARA
Right now?
AUDREY
Yes. Like Mother Nature, I don’t wait.
DARA
Wait, maybe I do have one. Hold on.
AUDREY
Finally.
(DARA starts digging through her bag. AUDREY is impatiently waiting.)
Take your time. Really, I’m fine standing here in my own filth.
DARA
(Gets out a tampon and hands it to AUDREY)
Relax. I got it.
AUDREY
(noticing the restaurant)
Okay, let’s go in here.
(DARA and AUDREY enter the Italian restaurant.)
AUDREY
(noticing LYLE)
Wow. Some kid’s eating alone on a Saturday. That’s really pathetic.
DARA
Wait, we know him.
AUDREY
We do?
DARA
He’s in my homeroom. His name is Lyle.
AUDREY
That’s weird.
(beat)
Where’s the bathroom in here? There’s no arrow pointing to the restrooms or anything. It’s ridiculous.
DARA
(ignoring Audrey)
Should we say hi?
AUDREY
No way. We would look like such creepers.
(catching DARA staring at him)
Why?
DARA
Why not? He’s really cool, actually.
AUDREY
Ooh. Does Dara have the hots for the lone wolf over here?
DARA
(giggling)
Will you stop it?
AUDREY
You know you want it.
DARA
I do not! He just looks a little sad, and I want to comfort him.
AUDREY
(teasing)
I’m sure you want to comfort him all night long.
DARA
Oh shut up and
(slightly louder)
get your tampon
(back to normal)
that you were desperately searching for.
AUDREY
Shush! Dara! That’s so embarrassing! Now, everyone’s looking at us.
(LYLE is minding his own business in the booth.)
DARA
Lyle?
(LYLE looks away as she repeats herself louder.)
Lyle!
LYLE
Dara?
DARA
Yeah, from homeroom.
LYLE
No, I know you. What are you doing here?
DARA
(slightly sheepishly)
Well, my friend needed a bathroom, and I’m a little hungry, and I saw you, so I decided to come over.
LYLE
(a little surprised)
Oh, okay.
(DARA sits down with LYLE.)
DARA
I couldn’t help but notice. Is, uh, something wrong?
LYLE
With me?
DARA
You just look kind of down. That’s all.
LYLE
Why would I be down?
DARA
I have no idea.
(beat)
I know you probably don’t want to be seen here. Alone and everything.
LYLE
Oh, I’m fine.
DARA
You sure?
LYLE
Really, I just like to get away from people sometimes.
DARA
Then am I interrupting?
LYLE
Kinda.
DARA
Okay, then.
(beat)
Do you like to be alone?
LYLE
Yeah, sometimes, I guess.
DARA
Well, you picked the right place. There’s no one here.
(beat)
Literally no one. It’s kind of creepy actually.
LYLE
I like it.
DARA
(beat)
So. It’s weird seeing you out of homeroom.
LYLE
Why?
DARA
I don’t know. I guess it just shatters the illusion of the unknown.
(LYLE looks at her differently.)
LYLE
Wow. Deep.
DARA
I know, right?
LYLE
I never knew you had it in you.
DARA
Neither did I. I don’t think I like it.
LYLE
I won’t tell anyone.
DARA
Promise?
LYLE
I swear.
DARA
I knew you wouldn’t anyway.
LYLE
Then why’d you make me promise?
DARA
Just to make sure. You never know with people.
LYLE
I’m not people.
DARA
What’s that supposed to mean?
LYLE
I’m Lyle.
DARA
Yeah, so?
LYLE
Yeah.
DARA
(finally understands)
Oh, you mean you’re not like other people!
LYLE
Yeah, try to catch on, Dara…
DARA
(quietly smirks to herself)
Sorry.
LYLE
You knew what I meant.
DARA
Not really. You never know with people.
LYLE
I told you I’m not people.
DARA
Right.
LYLE
Are you people?
DARA
Maybe. I hope not.
LYLE
Why not?
DARA
I don’t like what people do to nice people.
LYLE
I don’t let them do anything to me.
DARA
I’m sure you do. If you want to get away from them and eat alone on a Saturday, then I’m sure you do.
LYLE
Are you judging me?
DARA
No, I’m just saying.
LYLE
What’s wrong with eating alone on a Saturday?
DARA
Because it’s not fun! It’s sad!
LYLE
Maybe I enjoy this.
DARA
Maybe you do, but on some level, I bet you don’t.
LYLE
How do you know? Maybe I’m trying to run away from something.
DARA
Couldn’t you just run away from what you’re trying to run away from and find family or friends or something else?
LYLE
Family and friends. They don’t care. People care about themselves more than anyone.
DARA
Anyway, all I’m saying is that you could’ve found another distraction.
LYLE
Maybe this is my distraction.
DARA
Maybe.
LYLE
You should try it sometime.
DARA
Try what?
LYLE
Try eating alone.
DARA
Oh, no way!
LYLE
I think it would be good for you.
DARA
I don’t.
LYLE
I think everyone needs to learn how to be alone.
DARA
You think I don’t know how to be alone?
LYLE
I think you know, but you avoid it.
DARA
You don’t really know my story.
LYLE
You don’t really know my story.
DARA
Then why do you say I avoid being alone?
LYLE
Because I know you don’t really like going to SoulCycle on Saturday mornings with Audrey!
DARA
I do too.
LYLE
Bullshit! Who likes getting up at 8 AM on a Saturday to get yelled at by some bulimic bitch to “pedal faster” or “raise the incline”?
DARA
You’ve clearly never gone to SoulCycle. And the instructor wasn’t bulimic.
LYLE
(sarcastically)
Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t know if she’s bulimic or not. That’s not fair. She could be anorexic.
DARA
You’re terrible. You’re actually terrible.
LYLE
How is that terrible?
DARA
I mean, what would people say if they heard that?
LYLE
You think it was offensive or something?
DARA
All I’m saying is that you’re lucky you’re talking to me.
LYLE
Of course. I’m just talking about people’s stupid standards and what they drive other people to do. It’s called satire. Obviously, I’m not trying to hurt people with eating disorders or whatever. People who are offended by everything all the time get so tangled up in their own underwear, because they don’t really stand for anything at the end of the day. Most people don’t, I swear. I know they teach us in homeroom not to joke about anything that could possibly hit a nerve with anyone in the world, but fuck being politically correct. If the best thing people have to do is go around criticizing what everyone else has to say and knocking other people down, then chances are, they have nothing of their own to show for.
DARA
Wow.
LYLE
Sorry. I just watched a clip of people criticizing Louis C.K. for a joke he made that wasn’t even that bad, and it got me kinda riled up, I guess.
DARA
You’re not like anyone else I talk to.
LYLE
I should take that as a compliment?
DARA
I don’t know. Take it how you want to take it.
(beat)
You’re a lot more upfront than they are.
LYLE
I like it better that way.
DARA
Me, too.
(beat)
I didn’t mean to be one of those people that you hate so much.
LYLE
You aren’t, believe it or not.
DARA
You’re interesting, you know that?
LYLE
(playfully)
I do. Thank you.
(AUDREY reenters and takes a mint from a small dish.)
DARA
(seeing AUDREY from afar)
Well, I’ll get going.
LYLE
You didn’t eat anything yet.
DARA
There’s no waiter. There’s nobody.
LYLE
Right. I guess I just forget sometimes.
DARA
I did too, for a little bit.
(beat, noticing AUDREY is starting to look for her)
Well, I guess I should get going.
LYLE
Do you have to go somewhere?
DARA
(beat)
Not really.
LYLE
Then why are you going?
DARA
I don’t know, actually. It’s a reflex, I guess.
LYLE
People always leave. Why don’t you stay?
DARA
I just thought you wanted to be alone. I thought you wanted to get away from people.
LYLE
You’re not people.
DARA
I’m not?
LYLE
No. People don’t say hello when they see you eating alone on a Saturday.
DARA
Then I guess I’m not people.
LYLE
I’m surprised you admitted it. People don’t admit things.
DARA
I just told you I’m not people.
LYLE
You’re right.
DARA
I’m Dara.
LYLE
Nice to finally meet you.
(beat)
Come on. Sit down.
(AUDREY sees DARA after a while.)
AUDREY
Dara! What are you doing?
DARA
(to LYLE)
Sorry.
(to AUDREY)
I thought I’d eat something here.
AUDREY
Eat something? There’s nobody here. Even if there was, it’s Italian food. It’s stuffed with carbs.
(DARA looks back at LYLE. She wants to stay, but she looks back at AUDREY. LYLE is confused. He doesn’t get why she doesn’t sit down if she wants to sit down. They look at each other for a beat.)
LYLE
See you around.
DARA
See ya.
(DARA reluctantly walks away from LYLE and goes over to AUDREY.)
AUDREY
Dara, what was that?
DARA
Oh, I just decided to say hi.
AUDREY
Come on, we both know you could do better. Let’s go.
(As they start walking offstage)
Anyway, so as I was saying, Britney needs to get it together.
(AUDREY and DARA exit. LYLE is left onstage.)