I go to Instagram
and tap
the hashtags
#cutting, #depressed and #suicidal
#self-hating #starving #breaking
#fat #ugly #loser #trash
#42.5pounds #goal
And see the pictures of cuts
some still bright-red and bleeding and drip
Dripping
Dripping
Drip
Some are dried up and closing, but the caption is
@screamingforair: I’m thinking of opening
Comments range from
@sui.cidal: I’m there for you bby
to
@re_cover_y: what’s wrong I’m here to talk if you need me
and sometimes there are replies by the user
usually hearts and ‘thank you’s,
but usually, there are no replies by the user
which means that
they are too wrapped up in their own agony to accept help from the outside
and who can blame them? In the real world
if you don’t care about yourself then no one will
Yet still–
Yet still, I say, “I love you, you’re in my prayers, please put those blades down. You don’t know how strong you are, and you make COUNTLESS NUMBERS of people smile everyday, even if you don’t see it. You are gorgeous and beautiful and nothing can change that, so stay strong! I love you.”
It seems fake, but it isn’t.
Every single word I type, I mean.
I know that they bring joy to other people’s lives even if they’re not happy.
I know that they’re strong to be this scared and vulnerable and broken and to still live life,
every
single
day.
They are gorgeous, they are beautiful
even the shadowed, baggy eyes and emotionless expressions in the photos they post don’t change that.
And I do love them, even if I have never met them.
I don’t want them to draw blades on their skin ever again.
Even though sometimes it seems in vain to wish it
I still wish it
and wish it desperately.
While I’m saying
Scars are beautiful, because they show struggle overcome. But please, no fresh cuts.
Don’t post emoji of pills and skulls.
I don’t know if you want to, or are going to, or wish to, but please, elaborate
because I AM SO SCARED FOR YOU
a life lost
here
there
scattered like falling snow
‘Life lost’ seems like a euphemism, and it is
what ‘life lost’ really means is
screaming and sobbing and rejection and desolation
and terror.
He’s quaking.
She’s so scared.
A mix of resolve and ambulance sirens and heart monitors
Beep
Beep
and no more beeps.
This isn’t just a life lost, this is human agony at its very worst.
WHY CAN’T YOU WAKE UP AND NOTICE?
Anyway, moving on to the posts of the girls and guys with eating disorders
they are all protruding hipbones and mirrors without faces, without heads, from the shoulders down to about mid-thigh.
(Figures that would be beautiful,
beautiful, thin or fat or otherwise)
@fat.ugly.loser says: I can’t believe I ate so much I feel like a whale #fat #ugly #anorexic
and because there are no visible cuts and scars and agony
the positive comments on these are a little less than the ones on the cutting posts.
But once you know what to say, then it’s easy to say it.
I tell them ‘you are gorgeous,’ because they ARE gorgeous
I tell them ‘you are not fat,’ because they are NOT fat or even close to fat
and also because, honestly, there’s a set thing to say for self-haters and cutters,
a guideline, a way to format that will not fail you,
but eating disorders seem like a whole different ballpark and you don’t want to trigger something
so scared of failure, no one attempts…
But once you know what to say, then it’s easy to say it.
I tell them ‘you are gorgeous,’ because they ARE gorgeous
I tell them ‘you are not fat,’ because they are NOT fat or even close to fat
I tell them ‘I love you’, because I do love them, and all I want them to do is to see themselves as I see them– gods and goddesses, with strong wings beating against the scary demons trying to get them down, supreme and glowing in their strength!
But even if I tell them, they will not believe me…
And the last kind, with no cuts or hipbones or pills or guns
are the ones which simply say
@marie_the_wreck: I hate myself i’m so fat and so ugly and i don’t deserve anything. no one wants to even talk to me in real life, they think all i am is weird.
I comment: They might think you’re weird, but I think you’re amazing! You deserve every good thing in this world, don’t say that you don’t. You aren’t fat, but even if you were your prettiness wouldn’t be affected at all. You are NOT worthless, you are NOT a waste of space, and I love you.
These are easier for many to deal with more than the ED and the self-harm posts
because everyone, at some point, even if for a fleeting second, believes this about themselves
The only strand holding this spool of thread together
is the positive comments from either the recovering users
or the users that peer into the yawning chasm and try to rescue everybody inside.
Which is me.
That’s me.
When I feel useless, or a waste of space
having a bad day or a failed test and when I’m in absolute shambles
helping others not feel useless helps me not feel useless
The opposite of a grave digger
I dig people out of their future graves
or at least I try.
It seems like a hopeless job, what with so many people who hate themselves
and most of them will not, or cannot take inspirational messages
but if my words
can give them one more day of staying clean
a sign not to kill themselves
or simply bring a smile or a burst of warmth in their bleak life
if I can help them a little bit,
even a little bit,
then it is worth it.
The pen is mightier than the blade.