Oliver was always bored. Oliver was always alone. Oliver was twelve. He went to a public middle school. Oliver never got outstandingly good grades, but never got outstandingly bad ones. Oliver was not outstandingly tall, short, fat, skinny, fast, slow, strong, or weak. To put it simply, Oliver was very average.
As I mentioned before, Oliver was always alone. He was always alone, but never lonely. Oliver liked being alone. He liked thinking, reading, and watching movies. Oliver went to school one day. That school day was very average, very predictable. Oliver went home from school on that said day, finished homework, finished a book, and went to sleep. This said day was almost every single day for Oliver, minus the weekends. (For almost every weekend Oliver would wake up, watch movies, read, and think along with having meals in between, if you were wondering.)
One day, Oliver went home to his average house, went upstairs to his average room, only to find a very unaverage thing. That very unaverage thing was a thirty-seven year old man named Jack.
“I am thirty-seven years old and my name is Jack. It is a pleasure to meet you, eleven year old Oliver,” said Jack.
“Hello thirty-seven year old Jack,” said Oliver, “Might I ask how you know my name and age?” he asked.
“I know your name and age simply to tell you that the world is going to end in exactly five minutes and thirty-six seconds, and I want to take you to an alternate dimension to save you.”
“What an odd person,” thought Oliver.
“So how are you going to bring me to this alternate dimension?” Oliver inquired.
Jack pulled out a strange contraption out of a fanny pack that Oliver had not noticed.
“Just press this green button,” Jack instructed, “But not the blue or red button. Never push the yellow button, and only press the orange button on alternating Thursdays and the thirty-first of January.”
Oliver was going to push the green button, but he tripped and pushed the blue button, instantly killing both Oliver and Jack.
“Now look what you’ve done!” exclaimed Jack.
Jack and Oliver were in what seemed to be an endless plane of wheat fields.
“Where are we?” said Oliver.
“Well the afterlife, of course!”
Oliver considered himself an atheist, so he was surprised that the after-life existed.
“So where is God?” asked Oliver
“What is that?” responded Jack.
“It is something people think exist,” said Oliver.
“Well then they’re wrong.” said Jack.
“Are you sure?” questioned Oliver.
Jack stopped and thought about Oliver’s question for a moment before responding with a simple, “No.”
“Jack?”
“Oliver?”
“Didn’t you say that the world was going to end today?”
Jack checked his watch.
“In exactly thirteen point forty-six seconds,” said Jack matter-of-factly.
Exactly thirteen point forty-six seconds after Jack said that, seven point eight billion people along with billions of animals and other organisms spawned into the afterlife. Exactly two point four seconds after the world ended, Jack started to walk off in the midst of the confusion.
“Where are you going?” asked Oliver, catching up with Jack.
“Well, I’m off to see if this God character is real,” said Jack as if Oliver were to take that for granted.
“Would you mind if I tagged along?”
“Nobody is stopping or forcing you to do anything at all,” said Jack.
And that is where a frightfully unaverage adventure began.
Jack and Oliver walked for about three months, and had grown quite used to each other. The three months they had spent together were very uneventful and dull with little to no conversation—not anything Oliver wasn’t used to. One slightly less uneventful day Jack and Oliver stumbled upon a grand fortress consisting of several gargantuous medieval-style castles surrounded by awesome cobblestone walls that they should have been able to see kilometers away, yet still seemed to appear out of nothingness into somethingness. Oliver would have been flabbergasted but nothing seemed to startle him any longer. Jack and Oliver went to the walls and the entrance of the kingdom to find a doorbell. Oliver rang the doorbell and the gate swung open crashing into Jack and Oliver. When the two got up they were almost surprised to find a muscular child, not much older than Oliver opening the gate.
“Salutations,” said the child, “I am Steven.”
“Why are you so young but so…” began Oliver
“Muscular?” suggested Jack.
“I’ve gotten this body from hundreds of years of training. I do not age because I’m dead, but I can still get stronger,” said Steven, in a seemingly offended tone of voice.
“May we come in?” said Jack
“Absolutely not!” exclaimed Steven.
“Why not?” asked Oliver.
Steven remained silent, staring at Oliver.
“Fine!” Steven shouted, letting Oliver and Jack in.
“What an odd person,” thought Oliver followed by a feeling of deja vu.
Inside the wall, there was an entrance to the first castle. Oliver was about to ring the doorbell to the gate when it swung forward, crashing into Oliver and Jack. Behind the door was another Steven.
“But you were just…” Oliver began.
“I am Steven’s twice-removed great uncle,” said Steven’s twice-removed great uncle.
“But you’re so young!” exclaimed Jack, “And you look exactly the same as Steven.”
“I jumped off a bridge when I was eight, and then my sister went on to marry somebody, and Steven-having been born four months prior to my sister’s wedding became my twice-removed grandnephew,” said Steven’s twice-removed great uncle.
There was a brief moment of silence before Jack and Oliver abruptly dashed into the castle. The castle itself was filled with a grand, rich town with beautiful buildings, awesome towers, and gorgeous citizens.
“Welcome to the Kingdom of Solitude and Ending!” exclaimed Steven’s twice-removed great uncle.
“What a terrible name for such a beautiful town!” thought Oliver.
But as he walked into the town, he could see people’s eyes, filled with boredom and nothingness. He and Jack walked around asking for somebody who knew about any God character for hours on end until one depressed sounding lady suggested asking the King of Solitude, Benjamin The Conqueror.
“Well where do you find this Benjamin guy?” inquired Jack.
The woman simply pointed up.
Oliver could never have explained what happened in the entirety of his death, he could never quite grasp it, but he saw colors that were impossible to see, sounds that were impossible to hear, smelling smells that were impossible to smell, feeling sensations that were impossible to experience. But it was almost like it didn’t happen at all, because after that Oliver still couldn’t quite grasp how he felt, saw, heard, or smelled anything that had happened, but this is all irrelevant, because at this point in the story Jack and Oliver were sitting in front of Benjamin the Conqueror who was currently explaining that he would accompany the two on their way to God.
“There are two paths to get to God. The Road To Imminent Doom, Danger, and Death, or the Everlasting Road.” said Benjamin, “The latter option takes infinite time to travel across to reach God whereas the first option will lead to imminent death to reach God.”
“Both sound equally as terrible and impossible as one another,” remarked Jack.
“Nothing is neither possible nor impossible nowadays,” replied the king dreamily.
“I choose the first option,” said Oliver abruptly.
Jack and Benjamin looked at Oliver surprised.
“Fine by me,” said Jack after a brief pause.
“Ditto,” seconded Benjamin the Conqueror.
And so the trio went out of the fortress, down to the Road of Imminent Doom, Danger, and Death, in search for a mysterious religious figure named God.
It took about four days until the three reached the road, and about another week until they reached living (if you can really use that word anymore) beings. It was an old merchant. The merchant was sold out. Out of the Road of Imminent Doom, Danger, and Death, out of the afterlife, out of anything really, as long as you brought the Out to God.
“So God is real?” cried Oliver.
“No, not to my knowledge,” said the merchant, “But others would disagree, claiming he’s just down the road,” said the merchant, gesturing to the seemingly never-ending road, “Others have and will always disagree.” He sighed.
“Well could we purchase an Out?” said Jack.
“Sadly, I’ve sold out. I’m just on my way to replenish my stock,” replied the merchant.
“Well how long will it take for you to return?” asked Benjamin.
“It could take up to infinite years,” said the merchant.
Unfortunately, the three did not have infinite years to spare. So they continued down the Road of Imminent Doom, Danger, and Death. Along the way, Benjamin the Conqueror decided to tell the story of the Road, the Kingdom, and God.
“When I was alive, in a time before records, I had conquered land from Vrehnguard to as far away as Blaqtek and Garn’s Sea.”
Oliver didn’t seem to recognize any of these places, but continued to listen as he had nothing much better to do walking down a road that led to imminent death in search of God.
“Nothing stood before me besides terminal illnesses which ended my life twenty-three years into my rule. After I passed, I joined fallen brothers and comrades, rebuilding my kingdom, Aapq. Time passed. The living kingdom fell, and the citizens came to join the kingdom, spreading sadness and despair. People began shutting themselves off from the outside world, they began, with lack of a better word, stopping. I forget how it happened, but the kingdom’s name became what you know it as now-the Kingdom of Solitude and Ending. People began seeking what the Kingdom once was. A semi-small group went on a search for God. Eventually, the party split into two groups. One of the groups was almost entirely driven to death, while the second one got lost in Infinity, giving birth to the Road of Imminent Doom, Danger, and Death and the Everlasting Road.”
“That reminds me…” began Benjamin, “Oh well, would you look at that! A motel!”
There was indeed a motel. The motel was named Imagination, Oliver imagined. The three walked into the motel, and a man welcomed them in.
“Welcome to the motel, Imagination,” Oliver imagined the man exclaimed.
Oliver imagined that a series of events unfolded that led up to him getting a room for the night to himself. Oliver couldn’t fall asleep. He got off and wandered throughout the motel getting lost in Imagination. He began to picture lions with several heads, gods with two faces, infinite money, inumerous wonders. Oliver finally wandered so much that he found that he was in a new land. It was tiresome to walk through, he could barely stand it. It was almost as if all the dopamine was drained from his brain. There was blackness, numbers, facts, letters that Oliver couldn’t place together. He wanted to, he needed to break free. But he didn’t know what to break free from. He couldn’t kill himself. He didn’t want to kill himself, but he didn’t know what else to do. He collapsed onto the floor. He was crying. He didn’t know why. There was no point to crying. No point in doing anything. But he still wanted to find God. He didn’t know how it would turn out. Oliver didn’t care. He wanted to see how it would turn out, and if he didn’t like it, he was going to be doomed and die anyways. Dopamine returning to Oliver’s brain, he found himself back in his motel room. It was late morning already.
When he went back into the lobby, he saw Jack.
“Where’s Benjamin?” Oliver imagined he said.
“Oh, he killed himself,” Oliver imagined Jack replied.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
So the duo continued on their perilous journey.
Walking down the road, Jack and Oliver found a very interesting part of it. Various animals were running about the street, selling numerous drugs with absurd names, and Oliver found himself in a manfight. Chickens and dogs betting on which human would kill the other. Seeing this, Oliver tried to escape, but it was futile. Jack and Oliver were thrown into a cage by two large, muscular dogs. The two were about to fight when the chicken police ran into the facility, shooting down all the chickens and dogs. None escaped. Jack and Oliver were released.
“What brings you to the road of Imminent Doom Danger and Death this fine, fine day?” inquired the chief police chicken.
“God,” said Jack.
“Oh… You’re one of those ones.” said the chicken chief.
“Gabriel!” the chicken man shouted.
An insane looking, ragged old man that was a chicken stumbled up to them.
“God!” he squabbled, “God! This way! God!”
“No,” said Jack, repulsed by the disgusting chicken man, “I’m not sure if I believe in God, I just want to see if he exists.”
“Ohhhh, well you shoulda just said that to begin with!” exclaimed the chicken man chief police, “Come right along with me! My name’s Robert, by the way. Nice to meetcha,” he said charismatically, holding out his wing.
“My name’s Jack,” said Jack, shaking Robert’s wing.
“And I’m Oliver.”
Robert brought the two to a police car.
“My police car goes infinitely fast, so we can arrive at the end of the road in infinitely minimal time,” explained Robert.
Oliver, not knowing what else to say, simply said, “Okay.”
And then they were there.
At the end of the road there was a man. The man lead them through infinity and back, reaching the stars, reaching Heaven, coming back to Earth, finally back to the realm of the dead. And then there was God. An old man, completely still, completely silent.
“Are you God?” asked Jack in awe.
The man turned to Jack, who repeated his question.
“I don’t know.” said the old man.
“Does God exist?” asked Oliver.
“I’m not sure.”
“Who are you?” asked Robert.
“I—” but the old man couldn’t finish the sentence, for he collapsed onto the ground, dead.
“I still don’t understand how people die in the afterlife,” remarked Jack, four point sixty-seven seconds before Robert, Oliver, and himself died of abrupt heart attacks.